Letting Go…..finally

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In 2008, MW and i got married. Around the same time we discussed plans for when we passed away. We bought our burial plot and that was it. Last year we again discussed what we wanted to do for our funerals, and firming up those plans and making our wills was on the agenda for 2015. Well 2015 never came for MW. He passed away without a will, and left me with a mess to sort out.

Unbeknownst to me, he let the life insurance on his mortgage lapse, so I was left to pay his mortgage. I had to go to court to get made administrator of his estate. That was not a cheap option, but it’s done now. House is in my name, mortgage in still in the “Estate of ….” until it comes up for renewal in a few years.

We planned to be buried together. But then neither of us planned to die before our parents, or to die so young. The urn that got bought was a companion urn, which doesn’t get buried until the second person passes on and their remains go in the other side. That was my plan when he first passed away. His family was pressuring me to bury him in the family plot. He had bought a plot in a cemetery on the other side of the city away from the family plot – what does that say?

So now it’s 8 months later. I’m cleaning out the house in preparation to get rid of it. His mother comes to take her things and asks to have a chat with me. She realizes I’m no longer happy in the house and that I’m not spending time there (I have nosy family members and neighbours – they drive by and watch what’s going on, I’ve seen them). They’ll drive by now, but not once were they to be seen during the harsh winter we had when I might have needed their help. So back to the MIL visit – she tells me she wants some money from the sale of the house to pay for the funeral (which MW didn’t want). I tell her to stand in line behind a creditor of MW’s who by the way own the mortgage on the house. They want to monies he owed them before he died.

The house was under renovation when he died. It’s not finished. There’s a major leak in the basement as well. The housing market here is bad – too many houses, not enough buyers, and prices are high. So what do I do? I don’t have the money to make all the repairs and finish the renovations, and I highly doubt I’ll get what’s owing on the house. Then there’s the carrying costs while trying to sell. So after consulting my lawyer, I’ve decided to move everything out and turn the keys over to the mortgage company telling them there’s no more money in his estate and that I cannot carry the mortgage any longer. It’s just bricks and mortar.

Last week I also made the decision to give the urn to his mother, so she can bury him. I’m only 51 and much too young to spend my life waiting to die to be buried with him. I want to move on with my life, find someone new to spend time with. Life is way too short!! So i’m giving his mother the urn so she can bury him in the family plot. When my time comes, I’ll be buried in the plot we bought at the other cemetery.

I’ve been seeing a wonderful man for a short time now. He’s been very patient with me while I deal with all these things and I have his support. So it’s time to say my final goodbye to MW and move forward with my life. I will never forget him, and he will always own a special place in my heart. My heart is big enough to love again.

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Belief in life after death

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I never used to believe in the hereafter, but things have happened that make a strong case for believing. I honestly believe that MW has been guiding me to a new life without him.

I have only heard his song a few times since his death, and each time was at a special moment in my decision making or when I did something concerning himself. Since making the decision to pursue this new relationship, I have not heard the song at all.

First time I heard it was several months after his death when I went to the DMV to cancel his driver’s license and transfer ownership of his car to me so it could be sold. When the girl behind the counter told me that will be $20, I looked to the ceiling and said “Dammit, You’re still costing me money”. We both laughed, and I said to the girl, “Knowing him, he’s up there laughing his ass off at me”. She asked if he would be laughing with me or at me…I considered this for a moment and said “Knowing him, it’s at me”. When my business was finished, I left the DMV smiling and got in my car. Started it up and the song came on the radio. I looked to the sky and said “I know you’re still here – I can feel you”. It was a good moment.

Second time was the next day when I went to have the tattoo of his handprint added to my skin. As soon as the stencil was placed on my hip a big shiver went up my spine. The tattoo artist also had a shiver go up her spine as well, right after mine happened. We smiled and said we knew he was there. After the ink was complete I left the studio, started my car and the song started again. I smiled as I drove home.

The next time I heard it I couldn’t figure out the significance of it, until I started seeing my new partner. A coworker was driving me to the garage to pick up my car when the song came on. My coworker is male and knew the story of the other 2 instances where I heard it. He laughed and said “Man, I don’t know why you’re coming through now, but I’m not making any moves on her, I promise”. We both laughed and tried to figure out what he was trying to say. A couple of weeks later I started dating my partner and it was shortly after that that the answer came to me – my new partner and my coworker share a first name in common.

It’s been 2 months since we started dating and I haven’t heard the song since. I figure I’ll hear it when the time is right and he needs to let me know he’s still watching over me. I take comfort in knowing he’s still around and guiding me in his own way. Life is wonderful! I’m very happy ūüôā

Healing

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i¬†was chatting with my mother on Facebook around lunch hour today when it finally dawned on me that 7 months ago today i¬†lost my husband. Usually he’s the first thought in my head in the mornings. That fact that it was several hours after i woke that he came to mind indicates that i am indeed healing. Life goes on.

i’m happy to be healing. Finally.

The new relationship in my life is progressing very nicely. Life is becoming good again. i still miss Him, and i always will, but i know there is room in my heart for another. i’m ready to open my heart up to someone new.

Life is too damned short. Thankfully my family and friends are wonderfully supportive.

Time heals

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They say that time heals all wounds. Six months ago I would not have agreed with that statement. But now I am realizing that I am indeed healing. I’m beginning to move on with my life. I’m¬†slowly exploring a new relationship with a wonderful man.

I had wondered if it was too soon after MW’s passing, but then I realized, time doesn’t stop or slow down for anyone. Life is far too short. I learned to not follow the dictates of society but to follow my own heart….to do what feels right for me. That’s hard to do when you’ve been raised according to old fashioned values. Not that there’s anything wrong with them, they’re not just applicable to me. So slow and steady. Let it happen naturally.

I wasn’t looking for a relationship, but I was looking for companionship. Someone to do things with, to spend time with, and yes, to have sex with, but no commitment! I met several wonderful men, but something just wasn’t right. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m not designed to do casual. I don’t know.

I just know that the first time I met him there was an instant attraction, a connection. There was none of that awkwardness that usually comes with meeting someone for the first time. It’s like we’d done this dance before. It felt more like a continuation of a former life. I was still hesitant simply because I was thinking this is much too soon. I thought this is too good to be true. But, you know what, I’m just going to ride the wave, enjoy the journey and see where it takes me.

I’ll never forget MW. He helped me evolve into the strong confident woman I am today. I know he’s watching over me and he will forever own a piece of my heart. I will continue to heal, and I have the support of my family and friends as I do. I now also have the support of a wonderful man.

Time heals.

Six months ago…..

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husband

Six months ago today W/we were Christmas shopping.

Six months ago today, i had made the decision not to retire and let the 5 pm deadline pass me by.

Six months ago today, W/we went to bed, happy to be together.

Six months ago today, W/we kissed and said I love you, and closed our eyes to sleep.

Little did i know that this would be my last kiss from You.

Little did i know that this would be the last time i would hear Your voice say I love you.

It’s so hard to believe that six months have passed since You left.

i’m slowing moving on.

i will never forget You, Master.

But i have to continue living. i’m not ready to join You on the other side.

i feel Your presence in everything i do and i know You’re good with my choices.

You can never be replaced.

i love You Master.

Happy Birthday Master

52 years ago today the world became a better place – cuz You were born.

It took U/us nearly 41 years to find each other, but i’m glad W/we did!

Although O/our time together was short, there are so many memories W/we built together and with good friends.

Today one of Your best friends and i played a round of golf (well we started to), in the rain, while we reminisced about You. We laughed, and damn if we didn’t play the game the way You did – You know, hitting trees, finding water holes, all those good things. The more we laughed the harder the rain came down. We just figured You were up there drinking beer, watching us and pissing beer down on us in retaliation. We ended up stopping after 6 holes, but swore to get out there again to play in Your memory this summer.

Although it was very wet, we still had a blast. i finished the day with a 4″ chocolate pound cake with chocolate buttercream frosting, which i ate in Your memory. Now my teeth hurt from all that sugar, but oh, what sweet memories of other birthdays.

i miss You, i love You, and i will never ever forget You. You will always be a very important part of my life. i wear Your brand (tattoo) and Your ring and those will never be removed. i will carry Your name with me for the rest of my life. 20150517_180314_resized2015-03-31 15.40.03

i am forever Yours.

Time

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Five months.

The pain is as fresh as it was the day You left me.

Have i grown since then? Yes.

Am i stronger today than yesterday? Yes.

Am i adapting to life alone? Yes.

Do i miss You? Fuck yes!

Every day and every night when i climb into bed solo, i miss You. Your laughter, Your smile, Your scent and the feel of Your arms around me. i have my memories, but they don’t keep me warm at night, or comfort me when i’m hurting or upset. You once promised You’d never make me cry and You kept that promise up to the day You died. i’ve cried buckets since then.

So today makes 5 months. And this Sunday coming i have to celebrate Your 52nd birthday by myself. Not sure what i’ll do, maybe play a round of golf in Your honor. Maybe i’ll contact Your best friend and we will play a round for You.

Miss You so much. Love You so very much. Always in my heart and in my mind. Keep watch over me.

Other

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During the darkest period of my life, You were an anchor that i could hold on to, to keep me grounded in the here and now. Although severely wounded Yourself, You gave me a small piece of Yourself, showing me that the world had not ended. It had merely shifted suddenly onto a new path. You provided guidance and became a tether i relied on to stabilize my days.

Yet….

Realizing W/we were on a slippery slope neither of U/us intended to travel down, You were strong enough to pull back and head U/us in the direction W/we originally intended to go. Although at the time, it hurt, i now can say thank You for Your strength.

W/we both have O/our own hopes and dreams for O/our futures. W/we both know the direction W/we need to take individually to be happy and fulfilled. W/we are both working to head O/ourselves down those paths to happiness and fulfilment. i know W/we will B/both realize O/our dreams. i have faith in U/us.

Other, i respect You as a Dominant. i adore You for the big hearted Man that You are. But most of all, i love You for the Friend that You have become to me. i just hope that i have been able to provide You with some small comfort as You dealt with Your grief. i hope You think of me as the little sister, friend, one who understands both sides of You, who allows You to relax and just be You.

Know that i will never stop caring about You. You entered my life when i needed You most. You gave me a hand to hold onto in turbulent waters, while my world shifted on it’s axis. Other, You own a small piece of my heart and will always have a special place in my life as i rebuild. You have become an important piece of my new foundation.

i hope some day to finally meet You face to face, so i can hug You and thank You for being there. In the meantime, i will continue my journey on my own path, while You travel Yours. Think of me fondly as that nagging little angel on Your shoulder, reminding You to take care of Your health.

i envision meeting You. Walking up to You, wrapping my arms around You in a big hug, kissing Your cheek and whispering in Your ear “Hello Other. How are Your sugars today?”

Choices

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i am coming to terms with who i am and where i am in life. Ok…i’m trying to. There! i am telling the truth……..honestly!

i’m submissive.¬†

i have needs….physical, yes, but mostly i need that mental connection. i’ve been lucky enough to have had it a few times in my life so far, and it’s been taken away from me for various reasons beyond my control. i currently have a strong connection with Someone i’ve known for many years now. It’s not ideal simply because of distance, but W/we’re both happy with where things stand right now.

Now for those pesky physical needs we all have. With U/us being so far away from each other, and unable to connect physically, it was decided to find me a fwb Рsomeone not in the lifestyle and who was looking for the same thing i am Рno relationship, no commitment. So i join a dating site. Let the fun begin!

Most men on there are looking for commitment – which is surprising to me. But i guess at my age most want to be settled into a committed relationship for the golden years. i don’t blame them. Eventually this to is my desire – just not there right now. Ideally, i want a full-time committed relationship with a Dominant male. So for now, there’s fun and games, and, nom nom nom….CHOICES!